Hi all, Deirdre, Incest Survivor.

I haven't ported in a while but I really need to today. I'm hurting. It's physical. It's complete, this hurting. It's about the same old crap. The slow memories, the flashes of indescribable horror before my eyes, the body memories that make me seize up like I'm being forced upon right here and now. I hurt emotionally, I hurt mentally, and my body hurts a lot because of it all. I hate the way this hurt, from "then," grabs on to "today," and makes today seem like it hurts as much as then did. Today doesn't hurt, not that much anyway. Today is great. I'm married now. I have a wonderful husband. And surprisingly sex has been great. It's been so healing, to not have the bad stuff mixed into it, I cried the first time, and several times after. It has brought peace. I waited so long. And my husband doesn't hurt me. He loves me and tries to make everything better for me and to take care of me. He is old fashioned like that and says it's his job to "lay down his life" for me. But yet I hurt, and because I hurt I think - I feel, in the moment - that it's him hurting me. He's being a bastard. He's attacking me... No, he's being fine. Imperfect, flawed, he's making mistakes, but he's fine. It's just his imperfections that trigger me. And if it weren't his imperfections triggering me, it would be somebody else's, somebody else who is a lot less great than he. - Or, more likely, it would just be life's imperfections triggering me, and I'd be all alone. And still hurting anyway.

But I hate how much I hurt. I hate it. I hate me for hurting. I went to mass this morning and felt so much joy, so open. I really opened up and felt myself. And I mean that in all dimensions of the term: I felt myself. What I was feeling (emotionally), what it felt like to be me (physically, spiritually), I felt that. And that give me so much joy. But I can't do that - I can never do that - without all this bilge from the abuse eventually spilling out all over the place, making me feel, emotionally, like someone (my husband because he's the one who's around at the moment, or his mother, because she scares me, or his grandfather, because he teases me, or my sponsor because... etc, etc...) is attacking, making me feel victimized and physically abused. The past just keeps resurging up into the present like this and I HATE IT! I HATE IT!! I want it to be over already!

I'm so confused about this ninth step today, because in my heart I want to make an amends to myself  by getting over all this abuse stuff and moving on. But I can't just "get over it" just because and when I want to. I am totally in denial about the first step. I'm still holding a grudge against God, life, my grandfather (abuser, rapist, murderer, life ruiner), and myself that I have to work the f*&^ing first step at all. I'm no where near the F&*%^ING ninth step, and I know it. And it is true literally too. I'm still working on this enormous first step inventory workbook that has so far taken, what?, years?, for me to get halfway through. God, help me.... in order for this to not be completely depressing, I'm going to go work on my step work right now. Hopefully, if I chip away at that, God will chip away at all this.